From Being Rich & Entitled to Doing Humble House Chores

The best things about writing a blog is that all your thoughts are let out into the universe. I’m quite thankful I never get a response back because I’ll never know what to expect. It’s like taking out your emotions on a puppy. Only they look at you with concern eyes and don’t judge you like a human usually does.

So the internet is like that for me right now. A one-sided conversation. An outlet for words as it usually springs at me. And If I get lucky, I get to write it down. This is one instance.

I’ve haven’t been called by my usual workplace at Caloundra since the holidays ended and I was getting worried about the rent and all the other bills that I had.

A similar event happened last year before the holidays and the very mistake I did was wait. I waited my ass off, working at other personal artworks when I realized that the possibility of looking for something new was the way to go.

You see I’m an international student, waiting for the next semester to start which is in March.  I’m also a consistent worker, not used to just bumming around for weeks on end, endlessly lying on the couch and looking at my phone. No offense to those who do that, I’m just simply saying, I can’t sit still.

My gift of design and art needed to come one and be expressed. So what better way to do than to start looking for new opportunities online, via the student hub and facebook work groups?

But this is not a story about finding work as I am still doing that and waiting for a response from the offices I applied to. It’s a story about what I learned during my weeks of not working. The weeks were I was alone with my thoughts and how It helped me grow more maturely.

I could never forget the opening song of Orange is the New Black where Regina Specter sang, “Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard.” It very much felt that way.

Waiting for a phone call to go to work when weeks have past and still nothing.

The first thing that went off in my head was the idea I was not talented enough. That my kind of work wasn’t truly welcomed into the space it once flourished. So as these thoughts come and go, I got busy with my camera. A full schedule was ahead of me. I spent sometimes going to university and having photoshoots with a few friends, practicing taking angles when it comes to portraiture.

I also focused on hand-written typography. Making quotes from scratch I had different songs and books as my inspiration. I also had some inquiries to so do freelance design work which was quite nice.

Yet from time to time, the security of having a consistent weekly income always got to me.

There would be no challenge when asking money from my parents. I wanted to pave my own path in life. And I love the idea that I was making my own money. A dear friend told me it was pride. I realized afterward that I like to push myself too much and didn’t know when and how to ask for help.

It felt great to get out of my comfort zone, away from the house, from my parents, from people who know me. 2017 was a year of reinvention. It was a time when I read the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson and saw how an entitled brat I was back at home. It was so easy for me to ask for money and to earn money with the amount I got back then. I had my pillars built strong, high and mighty, that I forgot to look down and notice how much of a doof I was becoming.

And now, 2 weeks later and still not a word from my employer, I felt more into survival mode than ever. Away from home, from my loaded parents. From a house I don’t have to pay for. From a ready meal where maids would cook and serve three times a day. From my sisters who I can talk to when I am emotionally unstable.

I was away from all of that. I was OUT of my comfort zone. The one thing I have is my girl. We’ve supported each other since getting here. We also got a cat to help with homesickness. Yet despite this, I can’t shake the feeling that I am 100% responsible with my life from now on.

The thought and weight of it crushed me at one point. Especially during the weeks of no work. So aside from my artistic endeavors, I also focused most of my time in doing the chores. Living all my years with help around the house, I was not so great at jumping into cleaning and washing up. Like I said, I was entitled. I never used to help around at first. All I did was work so many hours and hope that the money I was earning for the house was enough responsibility.

Then the time came when my girl had to go on her placement for 3 full weeks. She would work on the weekends which made her VERY tired. So there was no doing of chores for her. I was on cleaning duty for the whole three weeks. Learning how to wash dishes, cleaning, doing the washing up, cooking and even driving. I was doing so much work that I honestly grew tired of feeling like the help. But the whole time I did it, I noticed how much faster I got when moving around the house. I got faster with doing the dishes and faster when it comes to the laundry. I even figured the right times of the day when It’s perfect for the wash to be done so the clothes will try without hassle. It was spotless work as I was only doing freelance online design jobs.

It was the unintended physical and life training I should have learned years before but never did. Well, until now.

Aside from new found skills, I guess the biggest, most profound learning experience for me was how much I’ve come to grow into my own skin. How brave I can be to set of driving into different places without the fear of talking to strangers. How one can find calm by meditation and running. How being away from it all did not matter as much as I thought it would. And how amazing it feels to take control and make decisions not only because you need food on the table, but because you’re happy to do the job. All this, I’ve learned to notice and appreciate. So I am quite excited for 2018 and what it has in store for me. It would be my last year of study too. Hopefully, the path I am building takes me into great, fulfilling, challenging and amazing directions.

NOTE: All images, hand-written type, and quote graphics were made by me. Inspired from the books I mentioned above and from a cartoon show at Netflix called, BoJack Horseman. You can see more on my Insta account: sainah.benz

Thanks for reading!

Hobbling at Costigan Mangrove Boardwalk

The alarm would buzz us awake at 5 AM and we’d have enough time to scramble around to freshen up and heat up some food for the road. I’d drop off Mona at her placement by 6 AM at Caloundra and wait til two in the afternoon to pick her up.

I’d have 8 hours on my plate. Last week, I drove around and visited 3 different beaches and a hidden coffee shop within the area. Since I was still healing from my sprain, the doctor advised walking around so my foot can start feeling normal.

My first stop was at Golden Beach. My intention was to look for a good spot where I can sit and get some work done but I felt like I needed a break. I walked around with my trusty Canon 650D DSLR and took photos of the sun coming up. The view was amazing but the only seat I could watch it from was already occupied by a giant crow. Giving respect to its space (honestly just scared shit cause of its size) I moved on and saw a few people coming out from the woods.

The trees were tall and I couldn’t make out what was on the other side so I hobbled (really) towards the edge of a boardwalk and read Costigan Mangrove BoardWalk.

Oh perfect I said using my inside voice and dragged my bruised foot inside. The view of the sunset from the edges was amazing. I took loads of pictures and listen to the birds singing. I tried taking pictures of the wildlife around me but they were too shy and hid behind the many roots of low wet soil.

It was a short walk but literally breathtaking. Like a walking yoga if there was such a thing. A very good morning to me indeed! Next on the list was a short drive to Shelley beach which I will right on the next day.

I’m giving myself an hour to write everyday cause I think It’s good creative exercise.

Thanks for reading peeps!

For more creative photos follow my Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/sainah.benz

or check out our freelance design agency website and let’s collaborate: http://www.kulaycreatives.wordpress.com

What Opening A Jackfruit Taught Me About People

My personal judgements on social tolerance and level for self-development started one morning when my neighbour messaged me to help her consume half a giant jackfruit.

My roomie and I were in the middle of a card game then. Yet I was interested to get some of this sweet-tooth fix that I excused myself and went outside to the garden.

Our neighbour had this wonderful garden where she grows all her food and in the middle was a small green table. A jackfruit was sitting there, unopened.

“Oh no…” was all I could think of as she didn’t just need help consuming it. She needed help opening this hard-shelled, spikey alien of a nature’s gift.

Back at home, we had maids open these things for us so this was my first time murdering one. Murder, as I soon found out, was the right word after we’ve opened the darn thing.

My neighbour had a go at it first with a kitchen knife. She was getting her pension this year so that pretty much explains why after a few jabs, she asked me to step in and try. I literally took a stab at it and was losing hope faster than my grandma drinking beer on a family occasion.

My roomie, being all-around efficient and has tougher hands, was soon called over. She didn’t want to go in the first place and was grumbling about not wanting to. Yet she stepped out half-heartedly and walked towards the fruit, fixing her face.

During that small amount of time, I had these thoughts of how come this was so interesting to me (as I was opening a jackfruit for the first time) and to her it was just another stone in her shoe.

The jackfruit, challenging three grown women to open it, now lay unopened on the garden floor. We were trying to get better leverage. Our neighbour made her way to the back of her cottage and took out an axe.

Remember how I mentioned I murdered the Jackfruit? Now you know why.

We took turns opening it with the rusty (soil drenched, semi-discarded) garden axe and made far more progress than we’ve ever had with the kitchen knife. Funny thing was, I saw this guy wielding an axe yesterday for a gym work out on my way out the office.

The timing was impeccable! I took a turn and told the two other women to stand back. After a few huffs and puffs, the jackfruit had a wider middle gap that was easier to open. We then took turns and some minutes after, the other half of the fruit was on our kitchen counter.

“Because of that jackfruit, I had an interesting morning!” I yelled out to our neighbour with a smile and waved goodbye.

Then I notice the sour expression on my roommate’s face. She was complaining how she didn’t want to go in the first place. And because of that, she felt irritated as to how the rubber from the fruit was making her hands all sticky. I can see she was having one of her mood swings and soon after, she noticed that the washing wasn’t done, how stuff were not in order and was practically raining down on a good morning even if I’ve already cleaned tons yesterday.

This got me thinking how some people see little first times (like using an axe and opening a jackfruit) as an event so fascinating while another can see it as something totally uninspiring, tiresome and mundane.

Then one of my favourite quotes pop up in my head: when it comes to living life, you have to have a child-like fascination, not a childish outlook.

My stay here in Australia has really helped me reflect on myself and see how people are and how I’d react to their actions. I will always look at things differently until someone comes along and give their two cents. Yet I’ll always wonder why they react the way that they do and see it the way they do.

All I know is, I can’t let that rain ruin a fine morning. So I grabbed the dish washing wand and started singing a tune while I started doing the dishes.

 

The feeling Of Change. Living in Australia.

Australia. It was a 2-year plan to start living abroad, experiencing an independent lifestyle while studying and living amongst strangers that would soon be my friends. It was truly a dream come true. I decided one day that I’d go about shooting pictures around the beach, just walking around and loving the chilly wind of a drizzle. As I look into the sea, I’d always want to pinch myself. Wow. I am in fucking Australia!

For most people, change is hard. It’s a challenge that may either result in fear or growth. And this, for me, was a mix of both. I remembered how we went to an Australian school expo back in the Philippines. There were a dozen great choices but one school won me over simply because it was near the beach. Automatically, the thought that If I’d be knackered from studying, working part-time and doing all the house chores myself, I’d love to see the seaside more than once in a week.

So here we are, living life just fifteen minutes away from the beach. Australia’s Sunshine Coast, as they say, is a tourist spot where most come and go to enjoy the sun. I’ve loved the idea that everyone we’re speaking in English as I’ve never properly engaged with it back home. Judgemental eyes would seep into what came out of my mouth and the reality of it was, most people assume a lot about another simply because you spoke a different language. I know I shouldn’t be bothered, yet I am. It was an enormous nail wrenched out of my system. Open-mindedness is a gift within society. I’d bravely say my hometown lacks a lot of that.

Living outside the family, outside of people who you grew up is honestly, freeing. I miss everyone a whole lot, yet there is something about moving away that gives you peace.

As I ponder about these deep life ideas, I would take walks around Mooloolaba beach. I’d enjoy watching people and giving a moment of myself. With Canon in my pack, I’d take the shots of beautiful animals or people or scenery and freeze that moment forever.

The attitude of liking change and having hopefully, healthy ideas around it is good. Change isn’t easy of course. Whether its origin is from a sad beginning or a happy one, it sets a path that anyone can choose how to end up. I ended up here, working two jobs, studying my second degree in design and striking up a conversation with good-natured strangers. Every different moment, whether it’s riding the bus to work or feeling the mood when the sun sets, everything is authentic, real, and truly worth breathing in. I am thankful every day.

Healing Whole. Appreciating What Has Been & What Can Be.

Lost in my own world, my nose was always buried in scary novels, hitting buttons on the PlayStation controller, doing hand written short novels on a notebook or buried in tons of paper, sketching anime for hours.

I’ve never built relationships when I was younger and discovered how little social skills I had when high school came.

I was an irritant. Making sure people heard me when I speak, laughing at the wrong things and saying inappropriate topics at the worst of times. I envy most of my friends for being “alright”. There was no formula to a perfect self when growing up, only experiences and how one was brought up.

Yearning for company and companionship, pleasing everyone seemed like my soul’s purpose. My years after college were the worst as I buried myself in bad drinking habits, wrong decisions, heartaches, lost friendships and a pile of insecurities. I kept looking for anything genuinely real and realized how masked I was and for how long the game of pretend was going on.

Then I’ve met new people, those who saw me in my worst and my best and stayed despite all the bullshit. It was amazing and I realized how living for other people is like breathing clean air. I looked back at old friends and family and realized I’ve never lost them. It was I who walked away.

Now, when I run every morning, I look at faces, smile and build a 1-second warmth of human connection. I call restaurant employees by their first name as long as it shows on their name tag. I say thank you often and let somone know ahead when plans change. I talk to strangers and converse randomly when my attention calls for it. It is rare and quite scary to do that in the Philippines so most people protect themselves. There is always a right place for all of this. But I keep in mind to be kind.

Posting feel good messages, sharing thoughts and ideas and listening to someone, helping family, laughing with friends, scheduling dates, crying when sad, talking to someone I trust, making time for hobbies and building new honest and real relationships. All these were the most basic human actions one can feel good from, yet I had ignored all this as chased something I thought would make me whole.

My mistakes were blessings that pushed me to find what’s not just the good in me, but also the good in others. And now seeing the good in life as well. When you start healing your core, you heal holistically and the people around you feels it. Better yet, they grasp the happiness and share it with others.

My simple advice? Love. Make yourself smile. Make others smile in little ways. Treasure time. Eat right. Get a pet. Exercise more. Read nice things. Feel nice things. Go places. Don’t spend all in one place. Hug someone. Allow to be hugged. Live.

All shots were taken by me using different lomography cameras and we’re collected over the years. Thanks for reading!

Remembering my dear neice who had passed away. Thank you for teaching us how to live better and how death is part of it all. We love you.

Sunday Shoot at UP & Makati

Twas one Sunday where Kbon and I went to a pre-shoot for a couple of models they’ll be getting for their company. First up was at UP with law student and all around Mr. nice smile, Chad Osorio.

With his background on shooting fashion and modeling, he had a lot of ideas and poses that were easy to go with. The environment however didn’t seem to comply as we stepped around the muddy plains of the sunken garden. Indeed there were a lot of areas to cover but I only chose a few since Chad was so easy to work with.

He even brought his own set of props to use. We were pretty on a minimal so his red bow-tie pretty much did the trick!

His shoes! Ho boy ho boy, he designed this one himself! Who says lawyer’s are covered under piles of books when Chad right here has taste for everything else hip!

Lunch came and we parted ways. Kbon and I had lunch at Rodic’s. It was my first time and had the right instincts to chose their infamous Tapsilog. I didn’t even know it was the common students meal! I just saw all the Tapa cooking in this HUGE pan and decided that it was the fastest order on the menu. We then got pandan ice creams for dessert and headed on to our next location.

Ayala, despite the looming buildings of glass and cement, right at the heart of it was the park of wonderful feasts and greens! We waited under the trees as we watched dog walkers run with their canines in diapers, children having fun by the grass, people simply enjoying with friends and family. Me and Kbon chatted a lot some and talked about film cameras when Corrine came.

She was very tall with an asian beauty most girls would love to have. She was also all smiles and was fun to work with as well. We rounded the park’s pathways and cautiously avoided the policemen’s hovering eyes. Shooting was okay, but with hardcore lights, that would me a different story. Thank God it was only 2pm when we started so the sun was pretty much blessing us with its rays!

We had yet again, ice creams at Caramia. Seems like Kbon has a sweet tooth for cold treats. It was also my first time there, so I chose the weirdest looking ice cream color and chose to melt some Red Velvet goodness in my mouth. Yum!

The day was pretty awesome. New friends and new shots to edit! Till my next street snaps!